It's time to admit it. I'm scared.
So far, I've been able to keep myself busy with work, planning, spending time with the kids, playing distracting apps, finishing last minute household chores. In my few minutes here and there that I have time to think, I've finally come to the point where I'm getting afraid. This is major surgery to a part of the body that is pretty damn important. Recovery will be hard, and side effects could be severe. Waiting for pathology will be even harder. Follow up treatment could be long and scary, too. Most of the time I'm still having trouble even admitting that this is real, other times I'm just scared for myself and my family, and rarely I'm angry at what this has done to us already. I'm not ready to accept it. I'm not sure I ever will be. People who I've talked to face to face keep telling me I seem so calm. What else is there to do? Getting panicked really does nothing but waste my energy. But even if I'm calm outwardly, I am still sometimes panicked internally. Thank goodness for xanax.
To combat my fear, I keep reminding myself of the tremendous support we've gotten. We have SO many people that care about us. I have a lot of supporters giving me hope and encouragement. Everyone has been so generous that I no longer have to worry about the financial strain on my family. I also won't have to worry about my kids because they will be so well cared for. These 2 things alone will greatly help my ability to recover. I can focus on dealing with the pain and scary side effects. I'm holding onto hope that once the surgery and recovery is over, we can return to our normal lives being all the more grateful for the time we're given.
I even continue to plan my "after surgery" life. The twins will go to kindergarten this Fall and I WILL be walking them to school on their first day, taking pictures, and kissing them goodbye. I still plan to pass the FE exam to get my engineering certificate. That goal will really be the big middle finger to this tumor. I'm smarter than you, tumor.
Damn right you will, on all of it, sweetie! Somehow I've missed the FB and blog posts (although I've been barely ever on blogger, so that's part of how) about this, so I'm just now seeing it, but you are in my prayers.
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